


Really Not Okay

by ashleighjane



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:41:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23072632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashleighjane/pseuds/ashleighjane
Summary: Something really isn't okay with Yasmin when The Doctor finally makes her way back to her. But when all is said and done, it's The Doctor who really isn't feeling quite herself, no matter how much she tries to pretend otherwise.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 7
Kudos: 42





	Really Not Okay

**Author's Note:**

> I don't usually write in first person. not a fan of it and tbh i usually nope on out if i open a fic and it's in first person. but this just seemed more organic in first-person narrative and it is what it is.

It didn’t get any easier, returning to my companions. Especially when I wasn’t really entirely sure how long it had been for them. I’m not entirely sure how long it had been for me. The only person who’d really ever gotten it was River Song. Brilliant, impossible Melody Pond. She had always known exactly what she was signing up for. It never mattered how much time had passed, she always loved me the same, always slipping easily back into the intelligent banter that I’d always enjoyed so much.

This reunion wasn’t going to be like that. I was expecting to see anger and disappointment, after how we had parted. I could still see it now, disappointment in Yas’s eyes at my failure. She thought I’d given up, but I hadn’t. I’d chosen to try to sacrifice myself because I believed in The Universe. The Universe, with all of its brilliant humans, was so much more than me. And I’d lived for so long already. It might have looked like giving up, but it wasn’t. I was making a stand for everything and everyone that I loved.

My hands were shoved deep into my pockets. I rocked back on my heels before taking a deep breath and turning away. I shouldn’t have been there. I knew I ruined lives. I told herself that being able to explore the galaxies was a gift, but when I thought about it, really thought about it, the pain I caused wasn’t worth it. It was selfish. But after all the good I did, didn’t I deserve to be a little selfish sometimes?

I stared down at the ground, as though it was about to give me an answer. It didn’t, of course. It wasn’t sentient wood. I sighed before turning back and knocking on the door quickly before I could change my mind.

“Hey.” I said, beaming as the door opened to reveal Yasmin. I was anything but happy, still thrown by The Master's revelation. I was a big believer of fake it til you make it, though. Besides, seeing my Yasmin again was going to make things better. Maybe. “You still live here then? Brilliant. Always a bit awkward when someone moves and you end up on some stranger’s doorstep.”

There was a silence as Yasmin stared back, her expression blank. I wondered if she knew who I was, or if I had regenerated in the many years since I’d seen her. It was so hard to keep track.

“It’s me. The Doctor.”

“Yeah, I can see that.”

“Oh, good. Sorry. Wasn’t sure if I’d changed faces since I saw you last. It’s been a while and they aren’t exactly friendly in intergalactic prison. Wouldn’t even let me use a mirror. How do I look?”

“Intergalactic,” Yasmin trailed off, seeming to lose interest. I guessed she had just become used the crazy. “You look the same.” Her response was nonchalant. Her eyes blank. 

I wasn’t the best at reading human emotion, but I felt completely uneasy. “You don’t seem all that pleased to see me.” I commented, sounding a little downcast. As much as I understood when my friends came to realise what it really means to be my friend, the rejection still hurt. “Understandable, I s’pose.”

“No, I am.” Yasmin answered a little too enthusiastically, her words sounding forced. “It’s just, it’s been five years. I’d kinda put you behind me. If I’m honest, I’m not even entirely sure if this is really happening or if it’s a dream.”

“Yeah, I’m not really sure either. Actually, we could be having a shared dream. Can happen now and again. TARDIS telepathic energies. Gets a bit weird sometimes. But nah. This is real. I can feel it.” I jumped up and down a couple of times as I confirmed our reality. “See. Sturdy. Dreams are usually a bit wobbly.” I paused, stuck a finger in the air before placing it on my tongue. My eyes narrowed as I analyzed. “Tastes real too.”

“Tastes real? You’re joking, right?” Her mouth turned up into the smallest of smiles, if only for a second.

“Either way, it got a smile out of ya, didn’t it?”

Yasmin shrugged.

“So, can I come in or what?”

“Sure, I guess.”

“Brilliant.” I entered, shutting the door behind me. “So, how’re you?” I gasped as I felt a burning sensation rush through my brain. Not quite trusting my legs, I grabbed onto the doorframe. “Whoa. Memory rush. Had a bit of a bump to the head. Feels good, but kinda hurts too, all those synapses firing at once. Back on Gallifrey, when I was a kid, sometimes we’d remove our memories on purpose, pop them straight back in. Just for the rush. Except for my friend Whatshisface. Took them out, forgot to leave enough info in there to remind him to put them back and then when someone figured out what he'd done, no one could find them. Pretty thick, really.” My brow furrowed, as I thought of all of the memories that had been stolen from me. Best not to think about that too much, though. Coming from The Master, I didn’t really know how much to believe. “How’s the fam? Graham, Ryan? How are they?”

“I…I dunno.”

“What d’ya mean, you dunno?” I exclaimed.

“I haven’t seen either them for a while.”

“Why’s that?”

“Being around them was just too painful. A constant reminder of you. We tried at first. Then we stopped trying. We didn’t mean to. It just kinda happened.

“Understandable.” I frowned, not really understanding. Something didn’t feel quite right. There was something I couldn’t quite see. “What about you. What’re you up to these days?”

“Nothing, really. Just working in a store. Mostly keep to myself.”

“Ya what? Why? What happened to working for the police force?”

“I tried that, for a while. After everything, it was just kinda boring.”

“I worked in a toy store once. Few faces back, and only for a couple days. T’was fun, but I wouldn’t go as far as to say exciting. You’re not really making sense right now, so I’m gonna do something, and it’s gonna tingle a bit. Be quite painful, actually. I think you’ll thank me for it later, though.” I reached out, placing my fingers against Yasmin’s temples as my hands cupped her face. I squinted as I wiggled around in her brain. “Oh, you’re tricky. Very tricky. Almost impossible to see, but I see you. Alright, Yasmin. I’m very sorry about this. Tell me, last time ya saw me, what was happening? Long time ago for me, I’m a little foggy on the details.”

“You were about to sacrifice yourself to stop The Master and his army of Cybermen.”

“Oh yes. That’s right. How did that make you feel?”

“Angry. Scared. Defeated.”

“Ah, okay. Gonna need you to focus on the anger for a sec. Why were you angry?”

“Because you were abandoning us. Because you didn’t even try to think of another way.”

“You’re right. I didn’t. Didn’t care about how it was gonna affect you either. Just focussed on getting one over on The Master. Humans, you’re just insignificant blips in an infinite existence to me. None of you matter, but I gotta pass the time somehow.” Those words didn’t come easily. Words designed to inflict pain. That wasn’t what I was about. They were a little scary too, since they so easily could have been true; a different time, a different me; all of me, and who knew what could have been?

Something flashed in Yaz’s eyes. She felt something. Just what the doctor ordered. A good dose of anger.

“Ah, there we go. Almost there. Just keep remembering. Remember how angry you felt. Remember how I abandoned ya. Remember how little I cared. Come on, now. Any time now, you fantastic little leeches. Ah. There we go.” I smiled gently as I removed my hands from Yasmin’s temples. “Hello, you. I mean, you were already you. Just the best parts of you were being stolen.”

“Doctor?”

“Yes, Yas?”

“Firstly, thank you. No idea what you did, but I’m feeling a hell of lot more like myself. Secondly, if anything you just said was true, I’ll kill you.”

“You were infected with a parasite. Nasty little creatures that feeds on your emotions until all you’re left feeling is numb. Numb is good, sometimes. It’s easier to be numb than it is to face how we really feel, yeah? These critters latch onto people who are already in pain because they know there won’t be much resistance. Who wouldn’t pick numb over hurting? That’s not living, though. That’s just existing and you are far too good to just exist. I needed you angry. Anger is strong, but it’s also fire. The greedy little things gorge on it until they burn themselves out. Quite fantastic, really, how they work. Although in very rare cases they manage to survive and grow so big that the host’s head explodes. But that probably wasn’t gonna happen.” I tilted my head to one side, brows furrowed. “Could be happening right now, actually.” I leaned forwards, looking into Yasmin’s eyes before pulling my sonic out of my pocket. I scanned the air around Yasmin before letting out a sigh of relief. “Nah, you’re fine. I think.”

“Stop it.”

“Stop what?”

“Stop trying to not talk about the hard stuff. You always do this. Something bad happens and you talk and talk and talk at a million miles so that no one can take the time to stop and think about what’s happened.”

“I don’t do that.” My nose wrinkled up as I shrugged. “Yeah, okay. I do that sometimes. So, what would you like to talk about?”

“I dunno. Maybe hi, I missed you would be a good start. God, I missed you so much. Everything reminded me of you. Stupid things. Like, the sky is blue, like the TARDIS. Rainbows reminded me of that t-shirt you used to wear. And it was just like, everything beautiful reminded me of you. Everything I used to enjoy just hurt instead. Then about, I don’t know, maybe a year ago everything stopped hurting. I didn’t feel much of anything really, but that was better than just being sad, right? I just thought I’d kinda moved on and gotten over you and all the fantastic stuff we did. Now you’re back and it hurts again. So much. Right here”. She placed a hand on her chest, right over her heart. “What the hell? Man, I need to get a grip.” She laughed through tears.

“That’s normal.” I used my thumbs to wipe away Yasmin’s tears, very aware that they were my fault. “Everything that makes you human all rushing back at once. I’d be a bit scared if you weren’t emotional, to be honest.”

“Yeah, I guess. I’m sorry I wasn’t exactly welcoming earlier.”

“Aww, that’s okay. Wasn’t your fault. I expected you to be angry, actually. Fully expected to get somethin’ thrown at me.”

“I’m not angry. Not anymore. Yeah, you’re late. But at least you’re here.” She shrugged before an awkward pause. “The stuff you said. About humans being your playthings.”

“Never. I just needed you angry, that’s all. Did I go a bit too far? I always thought I’d make a good actress. Actor. Person who acts? I’ve never been a…” I had been a woman before though, hadn’t I? I had no idea how many lives had been stolen; how many faces. “I missed you too. The whole fam, actually. So much. We’ll go find them soon. Tomorrow, maybe. Just you and me for now though, yeah?”

“I should at least text them, let them know you’re back.”

“Yeah.” I nodded. “Sounds good.”

“Can I ask you something? It’s kinda weird, and I guess it doesn’t really matter.”

“I love weird and everything matters.”

“Why are you here? Why did you come to me first, I mean?”

“I think that’s a discussion for another day. When things are a bit more normal.”

“Things are never normal when you’re around.”

“Yeah. You’re right.” It wasn’t something I’d wanted to act upon. There had been too many times before and I knew that it all only ever ended in pain. I was destined for happiness. I had learned, in my previous body, that sometimes happiness only needed to be for a time. I wasn’t so sure that it was worth all of the sadness that came after, though. But if I was going to be around forever, if I was as immortal as I was beginning to suspect, I couldn’t just walk around sad all the time. Where was the fun in that? I know so many words. So many that sometimes they all get jumbled together and I can’t seem to get a single one out. I knew then though that I just didn’t know any words that would answer Yasmin’s question. So, instead, I pulled her towards me, cupped her face gently and pressed my lips against hers. It was brief, chaste, but said more than a billion billion words ever could. “That answer your question? First time I ever kissed anyone, that. In this body, I mean.” I grinned, somewhat proud of myself.

“Oh yeah. But now I have so many more.”

“I bet ya do. ‘Nother time though. You’re gonna get a cracking headache right about,” I paused and looked down at my watch, then waited a few seconds. It was a bit of an act, really. I couldn’t predict the exact time, but I wanted to look cool and residual telepathic connections would tell me when. “Now. Side effect of burning out emotion eating parasites.”

Yasmin pressed a hand to her forehead. “You ever feel like your heads gonna explode? Cos that’s what this feels like.”

“Yep. All the time. So many thoughts and ideas burrowing away in such a tiny, pathetic brain? It’s a wonder my head actually hasn’t exploded. Huh, there’s a thought. Thought explosion. Theoretically possible, but not all that likely. Unless…Nah. Now, come on.” I took Yasmin’s hand and guided her towards the sofa. “Lie down here. Ya need t’ rest.”

She lay down, as instructed and closed her eyes against the light. Clearly in pain, but not ready to let me off the hook just yet. “You know everything isn’t okay, right? There’s a lotta talking to be done and it’s gonna suck.”

“Yeah, I know, but for now I’d like for things to not suck for five minutes. If that’s okay with you?”

“Are you okay, Doctor?”

“Me? I’m fine. Always.”

“But really, though?”

“No. I’m not okay” I said with a sigh. “really not.”

“You know you don’t have to act so happy all the time when you’re not, right? You’re allowed to act sad sometimes. Me, Ryan, Graham? We’re your fam. We won’t love you any less.

“Love is a big word.”

“It’s only four letters.”

“Yeah, well I cost Harriet Jones her Premiership with six words. I was a bit arrogant back then. Thought I knew everything. Thought I was in control. You’ve no idea how wrong I was.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I’m gonna sleep. We’ll talk tomorrow. When it’s all of us.”


End file.
